On Self Esteem...

Self esteem (self worth) and I have had a life long battle. I recognize my failings (in comparison to those around me) in abundance on a daily basis, and have since I was a young girl. These range from weight, to academic success, to work, to family life, and so on. Pretty much you can assume that if I have done anything in my life that those around me have also done, down to the very act of breathing, I have drawn a comparison. Because we are commanded to be "humble" the comparison is rarely, if ever, a positive one. After all, I don't want to become prideful in comparing my accomplishments against someone who has accomplished less. The result of this false application of "humility" is a constant barrage of negative comparisons which naturally result in low, to no, self esteem. (Ironically in this process I have found pride in the fact that I think of myself so low that there is no room for "pride").

One evening I was finishing the day with my scripture study and was led to this verse in Matthew 22:39, "And the second [great commandment] is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Although I've read and heard this scripture hundreds of times throughout my life, this particular evening the words "as thyself" stuck out to me. How do I "love" myself?

Often I do treat those around me as myself. That's a problem. For example, "She's put on weight, he didn't get very far in school, why didn't they have more kids, why haven't they bought a home, " are all thoughts that come to mind as I talk to those around me. The constant comparison I make of myself is often exactly how I treat those around me, at least in thought.

It is obvious that though I may judge others as harshly, or even less harshly than I judge myself, that is not the meaning of the commandment. This particular evening when I paused at this scripture, I asked again: How do I "love [myself]?" I looked up self esteem, self worth, confidence, and so on, and found there's not a lot there. There's virtually no instruction between "Love the Lord Thy God," and "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I felt like there needed to be a third commandment between them, namely, "love thyself - and just for you Jennica - here's how". But there's not. No one left me a personal list of instructions anywhere. Which means that the answer is within the two commandments.

In searching to understand what the answer was, two powerful personal experiences came to mind which, though I didn't recognize it at the time, taught me what it meant to love myself and to love my neighbor. I learned that it is within these actions that we find our self esteem. The first of those experiences began my lesson on what it means to "love thyself."

In 2008 it became apparent that there were reasons my then husband and I needed to divorce. We had a 2 year old daughter and an 8 month old son. A few days after we had made this decision I was laying on the floor in my Father's home where my kids and I were staying. It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. My two kids were asleep in the walk-in closet adjunct to the room. As I lay there one of the kids whined a little in their sleep, and then promptly quieted down. That little noise reminded me I wasn't alone in this experience. Rather, my and my husbands choice was affecting two precious little spirits on the other side of the door who deserved so much more than a broken home. I wanted to run to them. I wanted to hold them. I wanted to comfort them through pain that surely life would now be full of due to my decision. The desire to comfort them, next to the realization that I couldn't take it from them, brought crippling pain. I have experienced this pain since that moment, and I had experienced it once before then. It is the pain of knowing your children will, or are, suffering, and not being able to take away that suffering. I can attest, there is no greater pain that life has to offer (outside of losing a child).

That late night I cried. I cried so hard there was no sound. I remember bringing my knees to my chest and clutching them tight while curled in a ball on the floor. I remember drooling because in the silent wail of my cry my mouth locked open. I remember shaking. I remember thinking to My Father in Heaven, "What do I do?!" Though I couldn't speak the words, I remember yearning for His help; I remember between sobs forming the words, "Please."

At some point in time through a gentle Spirit, help came. I can still see the medal bed frame lying next to me on the floor in that moment, waiting to be put up. I can picture the exact lighting as the moon shown through my windows. I can still see the moon, almost full that night. My blue phone was right above my head, my blankets wrinkled around it. In that moment help came through a feeling from my Father in Heaven. The feeling was one of love for me; it was more powerful love than any I'd ever felt in all the moments prior. I felt pure. I felt beautiful. I felt the words "I am a daughter of God." I knew without a doubt that my Father in Heaven loved me. I am trying to add words to further express that moment, but there are no greater words than that "He loves me." I could not comprehend who He saw me as, but I could feel it in His love for me. That love was empowering. I found confidence in myself through Him, and that confidence helped bear the pain of that evening. Somehow I knew that if my Father in Heaven loved me that much as I was (despite all my personal failings), that He would remain with me and I could get through whatever life had to offer.

My Father in Heaven doesn't see my temporal flaws, he sees my spirit and my efforts in this temporal world. He sees who I was born as and who I can become. I learned through this experience that my self esteem is found not in how I feel about myself, not in what I do or don't do. Rather, my self esteem is found in His love for me. He loves us as we are today. Flaws and all. With that knowledge is there room for worldly comparisons? No. To love yourself is nothing more than to feel your Father in Heaven's love for you. One of my favorite women leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is Sister Sheri Dew. She has said:

“None of us come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us.” ― Sheri L. Dew

Our self esteem (self worth) is found in who we already are. We learn who we already are as we feel of our Father in Heaven's love for us. We feel His love for us as we follow the first great commandment to, "Love the Lord our God."

Within a few days of this first experience, I had a second similar experience which began my lesson on what it means to "Love thy neighbor":

When my former spouse and I divorced, he had a girlfriend. I hated her. I hated her with every fiber of my being and there were moments I felt the same toward him. I searched her out online and drew comparisons between us to boost my own self worth, to try from a temporal perspective to build myself up by bringing someone else down. But I didn't like it. There is no peace in hating someone. There is no, and I reiterate, there is NO satisfaction in anger. Was it natural? Yes. And because it was natural I had good person after good person tell me to live with it, because, "It is natural to be so angry." But I wasn't okay. Anger did nothing more than hurt me and take time away from my kids that otherwise might have been spent enjoying the day. There was one afternoon when the anger consumed me so greatly that I couldn't function. I had received a package in the mail addressed to my kids, written by his girlfriend. I was livid. "She had no right!" I thought. They are my kids and she could stay as far away as possible because she had hurt us. I left my kids with my Father and I went to my room and I looked her up online again. I wrote her a note through MySpace telling her to stay away, far away, and never contact my kids. I sent it. And then I felt horrible. It did nothing for me, and could only anger or hurt her. What was the point? How had taking my anger out on her in anyway made my day better or more fulfilling? How was I helping my kids by throwing a temper tantrum because someone I personally didn't like, was sending them gifts? I wasn't. In that moment, I would imagine my feelings would have only hurt my kids, had they known. I began to cry. I began to shake I was crying so hard. I was so full of anger and rage that nothing else could be present. It was uncomfortable, and it wasn't okay. I found my knees and uttered the only words I could think of, "Father, anger is normal, I know this. But I'm very angry and I don't feel like I can live this way. Please help me, or if I must feel it, please give me strength to know how." I waited, nothing. I waited longer, silently listening, still angry, not wanting to move for fear I would explode. And then peace. Multiple times throughout my divorce I had immediate peace in the moments I needed them, this was no different. However, accompanying the peace I felt was an overwhelming feeling of love. It took me by surprise. The anger was gone and in it's place was an overwhelming love for both my former spouse, and his girlfriend. The same amount of love I had felt for myself just a few nights previous. The thought that came to mind was that I didn't know her. I didn't know her background, where she came from, what had caused her to live the life she did - only my Father in Heaven knew her and only He had the right to judge her. For me, there was only one commandment - and that was to love her. Even this person, even this situation, did not nullify that great commandment.

Everyone, is our neighbor.

I will pause here to make a distinction. Some have said I was naive because to love her was to accept some choices that ultimately damaged me. No, that is not the case. The choices were poor, they were wrong and I recognize that. To love her was to allow Someone Else to judge her and not let her actions change whom I knew I should be.

I wrote her again. I apologized for whatever the previous note had been. I expressed to her that I would like to get to know her as she was a part of my children's Father's life. We became friends. She was witty. She was kind. She is very beautiful. Never again did I feel anything for her but a hope that she would some day know the ultimate love that an eternal Father in Heaven had for her, which had been expressed to me in that moment that I so desperately needed to be rid of the anger. Some have asked me how this belief was possible even in this situation. It was possible because it didn't come from me. Sister Sheri Dew has explained this best:

“The healing power of charity [the love of God], bestowed by our Father and made possible by the Atonement of Jesus Christ, can make it virtually impossible for us even to feel emotions common to the natural man.” ― Sheri L. Dew, If Life Were Easy, It Wouldn't Be Hard: And Other Reassuring Truths

I can attest that feelings that are natural in common worldly situations, specifically this one, are not possible in the moments you feel your Father in Heaven's love for you. When you feel that love for you, you will want others to feel it too. It is not a personal strength to be able to love those around me, it is a gift given in an especially low moment from a loving Father in Heaven.

I found healing in that moment that has stayed with me to this day. I can honestly say there has not been one moment when I have again felt anger, or pity, or judgement, about the situation that ultimately brought about my divorce. The complete healing in this experience is a gift that stemmed from the commandment "Love thy neighbor as thyself".  I was able to obey that commandment by first loving my Father in Heaven enough to come to Him, and then by His blessing me with that love. I was able to forgive those actions because what I felt was a love from my Father in Heaven for those I was so angry at. His love for them was all that I needed to feel to understand there is so much I don't know, and I don't need to judge. Do you know how relieving that is (in application as opposed to just understanding)? He will take our anger, our pain, our judgement, and in it's place we will be left with joy (that comes from His love) and a true hope for those who have wronged us. When that happens it is impossible to feel anything else. I have experienced it. They were still children of our Father in Heaven, as was I. He loves them unconditionally no differently than He loves me. And now I can say, so do I.

When we love God a healthy self esteem is a natural by product. It is based in nothing physical or temporal, but rather the knowledge of who we are (children of our Father in Heaven). Thus in the first great commandment, "Love the Lord thy God," we find our self esteem. The second great commandment is simply a by product of the first. When we love God and feel His love toward us, we want those around us to also feel that love; we want to "love [our] neighbor". To love them "as [ourselves]" is simply to see them as our Father in Heaven sees us.

All are "alike" unto God. No matter their choices. That is what we have taught our children in our home since they have been young. I hope they won't spend time struggling with their sense of self worth. I hope that by seeing the self worth of those around them they will not ever doubt their own. I hope they will always know where to find their self worth, and live life without comparisons.

There have been a few experiences since those I've shared here that have been equally as powerful. Maybe someday I will write about them, but now is not the time. However, the experiences I've shared here helped me to walk into situations equally as heart wrenching, and through the Spirit and the knowledge I had gained, be able to love those around me as I love myself. That knowledge has allowed me to walk through those experiences without emotions "common to the natural man." As I faced additional difficult experiences, sometimes it has been these very lessons that have kept me from giving up.

“Noble and great. Courageous and determined. Faithful and fearless. That is who you are and who you have always been. And understanding it can change your life, because this knowledge carries a confidence that cannot be duplicated any other way.” ― Sheri L. Dew

- Jennica

I enjoy writing. I’ve been blogging since the word “blog” came to be. However the past two years I have all but given it up due to fear of how what I write would be used, as much of what I've written (even innocent family moments) has been used against me. I learned much about writing in those two years of not writing, including what can and cannot be said (no blogging about personal controversial life issues).

I hadn't only given up blogging due to fear of retribution, I also gave it up because I had always "blogged" about my family (as a sort of journal) and to keep doing so was extremely painful because of some family trauma.  I have since learned (again) to find joy even amidst the trauma.

Being, or playing at being, a "writer" in my immediate and extended family is also intimidating. There are a number of writers both professional, and those who have studied and mastered it. My thought has been, "Why write if someone else could say it better?" Recently I’ve realized I was being silly. The comparison. The self defeat. The giving up something you love, because someone else is better at it. Someone else is always going to be better. Realizing that, the past few days (literally) I decided again to start writing. When I’m not drawing, writing relaxes me. To write what I learn through life, reminds me to apply those lessons I learn. 48 hours ago I made the firm decision to go back to blogging. Less than 24 hours ago we received notice of someone upset for one sentence written two years ago. One sentence. And I thought it was a sign. "Don’t write!" "Run away!" "Let those who would take you down, take your passions, your dreams, along with your joys!" For just a moment, that made sense. And then I realized, I’m not the same person I was two years ago. In two years I have learned a lot, including there are things I can write about, and things I can’t – but I don’t have to stop writing because of the ever growing list of "cannot's". I have also learned since, that those innate passions I have, that the love of writing, of drawing, and of living – can only be affected by me. Not them. My happiness, has nothing to do with those who would take it away from me, because my happiness comes from something, Someone, much more eternal. Those who would take me down, cannot touch Him who is always there to lift me back up. Likewise those few interests I do have, including writing, can be moderated to appease the judging crowd, but doesn’t ever have to be stopped – there is nothing wrong with expression if it is done in the right way.

If there is a "judging crowd", why even leave my writing public? For that one person somewhere who may run into what I write and may relate. For that one person who may read what life has taught me, and who may have needed that same lesson at that same moment. I have had this happen a few times, maybe ten, maybe fifteen, not more than that. But knowing that a lesson I was blessed to learn through my own life’s triumph or tragedy was just what someone needed to hear while going through their own triumph or tragedy, strengthened me in applying those lessons more diligently, and brought me joy in knowing that, that knowledge which helped me in this life (knowledge that was a gift), could then help someone else. We’re not alone. Life happens. And life can still be joyous despite itself. That’s why I write. 

Jennica